It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
