By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
