She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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