I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
