I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
