it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
