we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
