I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
