I hate your face
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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