your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
