just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem