Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
