i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
