i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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