I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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