is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
