Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
