just tell him i said nine months
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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