i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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