They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
