I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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