Whod you bang
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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