I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize