ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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