I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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