About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
