We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
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