....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
