imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
