i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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