her vagina looked like bernie madoff
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
