he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
