I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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