Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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