Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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