so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you never un-have a 4some
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
