I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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