It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
