to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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