I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
