i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
