If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
