Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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