Best friends brother. Beat that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
