anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
