Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
