And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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