mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
