I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
