Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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