ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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