Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
