wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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