you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the day after is always just damage control
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
